I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
