I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
