I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
