I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
