New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
