I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
