I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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