I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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