last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
