I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
