It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
