It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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