I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
