I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
