I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
