i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
