It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
