Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
