i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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