he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
