Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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