Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
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Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
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Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost