is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
OPIZZABONMYDICK
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
