Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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