Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
