I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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