Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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