I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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