So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
