sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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