she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
