I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
