What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
