I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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