I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
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I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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