I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
