I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
