The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
