3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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