Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
