Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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