my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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