I got chris browned last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
