i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my shit smells like andre
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
