Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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