Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
