i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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