Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
