we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
