mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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