Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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