I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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