dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
