Can i not drive my cunt home
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
