I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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