you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
