I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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