mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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