dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
