I think my fart just growled at me.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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