Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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