she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
